To Someone She Wanted

This is a story as to why I stopped pulling at our game of tug-of-war. 

I’ve had a rough day, weeks even. You were the source of my temporary comfort. The more I got tired, the more I got clingy. At some point, I would stop and check my level of intimacy with you. But no matter what the findings I’d still continue on the same road. 

I’ve been extra clingy this week. I made my own efforts to see you, to spend time with you, and to talk to you. Most of the time even going out of my way just to do so. I made extra sacrifices I wasn’t supposed to make. 

Tonight you gave me an early goodnight. It felt like I was the only one giving an effort. It was like the feeling of being missed was not reciprocated. I wasn’t on a trying mood so I hung up the phone. I felt like I was left as the only one who knows what was of us, whatever we wanted to call it and the denial of labels for “it”. A familiar feeling that was followed by a rush of cold reality—HINDI NGA PALA TAYO. 

A night before, I remembered you commenting “Thought you’d never ask…” on my efforts to call you. Calling you became a usual routine before we go to sleep. But that night left a mark on my subconscious and that subconscious was triggered open now. 

I felt like I was the only one pulling. The only one pulling to my side of this undefined relationship when pulling alone is already a rule-breaker. It should have been left alone in the first place. Now that we’ve lifted the rope there’s no going back. 

And then there was us. Pulling and pulling, not stopping until one of us falls into that mud pit and the other follows too. 

You see, I’ve been to that mud pit. It’s not easy getting out and it’s not easy staying either. What is required of us to be saved from that mud pit is an against-the-flow move and the game rule itself—PUSH. 

I choose to push. 

Push you away from the dirt and messiness of a wrong relationship. Push you away from the pit of lies a wrong relationship offers at a wrong time. Push you away from me.

And even though my knees get scraped from letting go of the rope unexpectedly, I’m glad to have taken the fall for you.

Abba  Father will now take the rope for safe keeping. Until then, my love, you will never know this push and pull love story.